In My Write Mind

Is BET out of breath like a Bobby Brown performance? Were they even aware that they, according to B.Brown, were throwing an awards show last night? Does the fact that one of the Hudlin brothers is running the day-to-day mean that we’ll be seeing House Party and Boomerang on a continuous loop? And is it too late for Bob Johnson to sell his daughter (fresh off of her horrible on-air debut last night) for a daughter to be named later?!?!?

These questions, and soooooooooooooo many more, faced me last night while watching the BET 25th Anniversary Special. Oy.

Yup, after 25 years of doing everything possible to get their human being license revoked — from Cita’s World to College Hill — BET is a quarter-century old. And what would an event on BET be without a running diary? It’d be just like what war is good for, which is absolutely nothing. Good gawd.

So, in the immortal words of Slick Rick in the aptly named diddy “A Children’s Story,” Herrrrrrrrrrrre we go!

9:00PM — OK. I’m all settled in. Ready to see some surprises, some craziness and some Black Star Power. Ready for Patti, and Smokey, and Gladys. Maybe even a little Dionne.

9:01PM — Still waiting for their names to appear. Wait, is the guy finished announcing the lineup? You can’t be serious. Not even the requisite cameo from Michael Jackson or Prince? Da hell?!?!? Quick side note: I knew it was gonna be a long night when the announcer started listing people alphabetically … by the FIRST NAMES!!! Who does that? Is that even socially acceptable? Oh wait. This IS BET. Rock on, y’all.

9:03 — Donnie Simpson, host of Video Soul, arrives via elevator. Just like the old days. Looking sharp in his suit complete with pocket hankie, Donnie puts on the “Donnie face” which, for those who don’t know, is when his smile takes up his entire face and his eyes are just about shut. LOL When I first got cable in the early 1990s, Video Soul was one of the first things I saw. It was a great show. Donnie there interviewing any and everybody of cultural relevance. EVERYBODY came there, all of them stepping off of the elevator, greeted by the “Donnie face.” Good times.

9:04 — Earth, Wind and Fire. The elements. The guys look good, all decked out in EWF gear. Wait! Stop the presses! Is there a woman in the group now? Is she a new element? Well, if it were up to me, she’d be called Fog because she’s steaming up my contacts with that low cut dress on. LAWD!!!

The guys sound good, performing “Let’s Groove,” which was also the first video ever played on BET. Go ‘head, fellas. Whoa! They just broke into “Shining Star.” I’m officially loving this special. It figures that it would take some old school to get me hooked. Maybe somebody knows what they’re doing over there after all.

9:09 — First commercial break. The show tonight is sponsored by Bounty and Ford. Just thought you’d like to know that. Personally, I’m gonna watch to see if any of the cast of Soul Food has tailed off enough to be starring in any of the ads. Heyyyyy … Hollywood’s a rough place.

9:14 — A bumper with Donnie Simpson chatting it up with the late Rosa Parks some 10 years ago on Video Soul. Very touching. She looked absolutely beautiful sitting there smiling with flowers on her lap. Donnie comes back live saying how powerful it was to be sitting “knee to knee with history.” Not the words I would’ve chosen, but we get the point. R.I.P. Mrs. Parks.

9:16 — Queen Latifah enters stage right. BET has come up with a creative way to cover its 25 years. Have a different star come out and each chew on a five year period. BET was born on January 25, 1980 and La is handling its first five years.

We get treated to early clips of Bobby Jones and Donnie Simpson when all they had for a set was black background. The raw days. And thankfully, both have aged mighty well. Here’s a little trivia for ya. The first video ever to play on Video Soul? Atomic Dog by George Clinton. (More on him later.)

The early 80’s brought us music like Thriller, movies like Flashdance, groups like Run DMC & Eric B. & Rakim (neither of whom are in attendance. There goes the Black Star Power claim. Sigh.).

9:22 — Live performance from LL Cool J. He starts it off with “Rock the Bells.” Dude had breakdancers in the background (so what only two of the five were black? It’s only Black Entertainment Television. Who would notice?) and on the big screen, inexplicably during his performance … they were playing the “Loungin’” video. Seriously. All I kept seeing was a montage of the girls from Total. Was that BET’s way of having them there that night? Should I stay tuned throughout the show for similar montages of Jade, SWV and En Vogue? And speaking of them, how are they NOT here tonight? Good LAWD! EN VOGUE?!?!? They were the REASON to watch BET right after they came out. Could we not get a taped greeting from them?!?!? Boyz II Men??!?

LL goes into his newest jam, “Headsprung.” That’s exactly what happened to me when the cameras panned the audience and caught a close-up of Tisha Campbell-Martin. One word: Yikes!

9:31 — Next up were the years 1985 - 1990. The representative for that era? Arsenio Hall. Who not only looked shocked to be there, his hair did, too. LOL He brought out Howard Hewett (which goes on with my point … how is Howard Hewett there and Patti and Gladys NOT there?!?!? Can we at least get the rest of Shalamar to join him? Was Jody Watley booked at a karaoke bar that night?!?!? Come onnnnnnnnn.) Howie sang the chorus from “For the Lover in You” a capella. Nice. But then … things got decidedly worse. Downhill. Crash and burn.

Yes, my friends. Next, Arsenio brought out … Hammer. He scared me. And I know what some may be saying. Cut the guy a break. He was the shit back in the day. And you’re correct. But ummmmm … this ain’t back in the day. 2005 Hammer is more like an ice pick. When he started “busting a move,” I wanted to put 911 on speed dial. Just.in.case.

Anywho, after I got over the stab wounds from “Pick,” they filled the screen with stuff from the late 80s like BET News, Lead Story with Cheryl Martin (I always said I bet she was a freak when the camera was off … lol), Rap City with the Mayor Chris Thomas, movies like Hollywood Shuffle (can you count how many black comedians got their start in that movie? Robert Townsend may have been corny … and he wassssssss corny … but he did right by his friends. That’s for true) and artists like Janet Jackson.

Then, it happened. The performance of the night. You ready?

9:38 — Ladies and Gentlemen — NEW EDITION! Dudes looked sharp as usual. Started off their set with the go-go version of “If It Isn’t Love.” Didn’t seeem too comfortable with the live band. Wanna know how I know? Because they knew that they’d be LIP SYNCHING the chorus of the song. Horrible. And I love these guys.

Next up was “Can You Stand the Rain?” Again, I blame it on the dancing, but their voices were a lil off. And yes, when Johnny started singing, I started looking closely to see if he’d be sending secret signals to Eddie. LOL I know. I need a life.

Then they really took it back. To 1983. With “Candy Girl.” And to 1985 with “Cool It Now.” But the fun didn’t begin in earnest until they sang “Mr. Telephone Man,” and brought out Mr. Bobby Brown. High.comedy. Dude was sweating before he even got out there. He was rocking it. But you can tell they’re not used to performing with B anymore. During the performance, while B was wheezing his parts, Ralph was singing right along with him. I wonder if he got yelled at backstage. Provided, of course, that B could still breathe afterwards. LOL

Then it was all B.Brown. He did a karaoke version of “My Prerogative.” So damn out of breath. At one point, he asked if everyone was enjoying themselves at the BET Awards. I couldn’t make this stuff up. Just classic Bob. More LOST than an ABC drama. On a more sullen note, I found it ironic that he dedicated his set to the late Rick James when it seems like he’s headed down the same drug-riddled path.

9:56 — Steve Harvey made the show list, hitting the stage for what he does best — a tribute to the old school. Tonight he honors the late, great Luther Vandross. Really good stuff from Steve.

10:00 — Herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre’s Whitney! Fetted with a blond wig and more amplification than a backyard open mic, Whitney struggled through her presentation with a horribly rapsy voice. Yes, she was emotional as this was her first public tribute to Luther Vandross, someone she called “my brother.” But I promise you, her mic was up so high you could hear dudes in the men’s room handling their business. Yeesh.

She introduces John Legend and the first thing I thought was, Please don’t let this man try and tackle “A House Is Not A Home.” Please, let him do “So Amazing” or “Here and Now,” but NOT “House.”

He did “House.” Sigh. And it’s not that he did a horrible job, but still … he needed not touch it. While he was singing, I just flashed back to Luther’s funeral when his longtime friend and accompanyist Nate Adderley, Jr. did a stirring piano rendition of the song. Brought tears to my eyes. Made me remember Luther singing the song and then I smiled. And that’s how I want to remember the song. Just.like.that. So while the tribute was done with great intentions, to all those who read this … LEAVE THAT SONG ALONE!!! Thank you. Goodnight.

10:09 — We’re an hour into the show and still no commercial for Get Rich or Die Tryin’. Heads may roll for this.

10:12 — Usher handles the years 1991 - 1995. The highlights of those five years were Bill Clinton, the end of apartheid, O.J. and the freeway chase in the white Bronco, the Rodney King beating, Marion Barry’s arrest, Ed Gordon’s interview with Minister Farrakhan, the Million Man March and the premieres of BET shows such as Teen Summit, the original Comic View with D.L. Hughley (still the funniest two seasons of the show, by far) and cultural phenomenon In Living Color.

10:16 — Representing the early 90s — R. Kelly.

OK, let’s get this out of the way. The man is talented. And will be in somebody’s Hall of Fame before all is said and done. Let’s just make believe that this whole “Trapped in the Closet” thing never happened (although it’s impossible to do since the network is promoting it so heavy, I swear Don King has his hand in it somewhere). If we do that, and look objectively at his MUSIC and not at his Jerry Lee Lewis-like tendencies, the man is a musical icon. Look at what he’s running down tonight in his medley:

“I Wish,” “Your Body’s Callin’,” “When A Woman’s Fed Up,” “Down Low” (which is where Ron Isley apparently kept his tax payments … hehehe), “Feelin’ On Your Booty,” “Ignition remix,” “Bump N’ Grind,” “Happy People” and, of course, “Step in the Name of Love.”

We didn’t even get to hear “I Believe I Can Fly” or “The World’s Greatest,” two phenomenal hits for him. The man makes hits. Sure, he’s been indicted longer than some presidencies have lasted. Sure, it seems that the man is traveling more NOW than before he was brought up on charges and there’s no trial date in sight. Sure he’s an idiot for not steering clear of suggestive lyrics while being investigated. But you have to admit … the man makes hits.

There. I said it. I will now go stick an ice pick in my ear and rewind my brain. Thank you.

10:24 — Wait. Everybody QUIET!!! Magic Johnson is narrating a commercial backing Mike Bloomberg for mayor of New York. Wait for it … wait for it … DAMMIT! Nope, I lose the bet I made with Shine earlier. He never said the word community. Curses!

10:28 — Snoop Dogg hits the stage for a medley of his own reppin’ for the early 90s. Joining him is a man to whom he owes most of his early success. And no, I’m not talking about Bow Wow, who is jumping around repeating everything Snoop is saying. I’m talking about George Clinton! I thought B.Brown was the highlight of the night. NOPE! Clearly, this is.

First off, George is barely audible, but his clothes seem to be speaking for him. The huge Timberland logo on his shirt is screaming “I DRESSED MYSELF!” Oy. And ummm … there is a man on stage … wearing nothing … but a diaper. Which gives new credence to my reaction to seeing that: “Oh SHIT!” Hot mess.

Snoop started his set with “What’s My Name?” and flowed into Clinton’s “Atomic Dog.” Next up was “Gin & Juice,” which then morphed into “Flashlight.” At this point, Clinton is wandering around aimlessly through the crowd like he’s looking for the person who stole his voice. Just weird.

The set ended with Snoop’s “Drop It Like It’s Hot.” Thankfully, the dude with the diaper didn’t think those were instructions.

10:37 — ONLY TWO MORE DAYS TIL THE UGLIEST SNEAKERS EVER MADE ARE RELEASED!!! THE WADES, COMING TO A STORE NEAR YOU NOVEMBER 3RD!!! Take out a loan NOW! Blecch.

10:41 — The remedial portion of the show, it seems. Diddy is out to rep for the rest of the decade — 1996 to 2000. I swear he has to be THE worst public speaker known to man. Which says A LOT, seeing as he’s hosted award shows, headlined major tours and was even ON BROADWAY, for screaming out loud. He needs to stay behind the scenes. I can’t stress this enough.

Anyway, the highlights of those years included the rise of 2Pac, The Notorious B.I.G., clothing empires Phat Farm, Sean John and Roc-A-Wear, BET’s move to New York from D.C., the launch of 106 & Park and O.J.’s interview with Ed Gordon after his acquittal.

This was also our introduction to Rachel, BET’s faux-Jamaican-accented host who pranced around on every island known to man on Carribean Rhythms. Yes, she was fine. But as a host, the seashells she danced around each week had more skills. Seriously, she was bad.

10:47 — Method Man reps for the late 90s. Breaks out into “Bring the Pain.” Then comes the part of the show where conundrums come to thrive. Out comes Mary J. and the two of them do their classic joint, “You’re All I Need (To Get By).” Good stuff. But all the while they’re doing it, I keep wondering to myself, Is this gonna be a Good Mary night or a Bad Mary night? I soon got my answer.

Bad Mary. Without question. Sigh.

She starts off with “I’m Going Down.” Why? Then comes the “Real Love” remix followed by her new single “You Can’t Hide.” And this is when it hit me. We’re living as part of a strange cultural paradox, one that’s playing itself out each time we see Mary J. perform. Stay with me on this: back in the day, we all felt Mary’s voice because it was so full of pain and angst, so rich and raw. But it was hard to look at her. She was a mess. Now, you lose your breath looking at Mary, all sculpted with the bodacious booty and perfectly white teeth. She’s gorgeous. But listening to her is the equivalent of pulling your cat’s tail … while it’s in heat … and coughing up hair balls … and whining when it’s locked out of the house. Putrid.stuff.

And there’s the rub. Why did the two Mary’s never mesh to form a complete Mary J. Blige? Did she make a deal with the devil to give her — in the words of Jay-Z — “either or?” We need to do research on this and the first one to present a compelling composition on it gets a free drink on me.

11:00 — Hour #3 begins the way alllllll awards shows and specials on BET do. Iiiiiiiiiiiiit’s GOSPEL TIME! So, in light of this portion of the show, I promise to keep my comments in the heavenly vein. Ready? Bobby Jones comes out and introduces Kirk Franklin. [insert porn jokes here] In the name of everything holy, what possessed this man to wear a ruffled shirt and sneakers? (Be proud. I could’ve went with the porn joke there instead. lol)

Seriously, though. Kirk needs to be paying his “Family” very well. This dude is the richest holy hype man in the history of the world. He’s Flava Frank. LOL

Next up was Yolanda Adams, who, for once isn’t singing a ballad to the Lord. LOL Her song is upbeat, although I can’t say the same for her outfit. What in heaven’s name is she wearing? (Ooohhh … I had to cross my fingers on that one. Keeping it holy. LOL)

My favorite camera shot of the night came when Donnie McClurkin came to the stage. He chose to sing “Ooo Child” by the Five Stairsteps. And just as he gets to the part where he’s telling the child that their days are gonna get brighter … the camera flashes to Whitney, Bobby and Bobbi Chris. It was eerie. Like the Lord told him to sing it to her. For her. Lord knows she’s gonna need that confirmation when she gets older. LOL

Wrapping up the gospel fest is Shirley Ceasar. She’s such a dynamo. All of the other artists accompany her on stage and that’s when I find out that Flava Frank only comes up to Yolanda Adams’s waist. Maybe. I’ve had dates longer than him. LOL OK, I’m done. God, please send your lightning to my P.O. box. I will retrieve it when I return from my trip. Thanks.

11:17 — Someone had the bright idea to send another reading-impaired celeb up to rep the years 2000 to 2005. Yup. Serena Williams. This young lady couldn’t read the logo on a tennis racket, let alone the telePrompter. It’s sad.

Nelly performs “Hot In Herre.” Always love that song. He was then joined on stage by Paul Wall, Jermaine Dupri and some other dudes for another song about their grills. Translation: their platinum teeth. OK. Whatever. NEXT!

11:28 – Ahhh, more Serena. Watching her trying to read is as painful as it must be to try to return her serve blindfolded. Not.good.times. Anyway, the beginning of this decade brought us Halle’s Oscar win, bet.com, the Williams sisters, the pain of 9/11 and Katrina as well as the deaths of Aaliyah and Left Eye.

Speaking of pain, it also brought us crap like College Hill. I will now go ram my head against the nightstand.

12:02 — Bow Wow introduces Alicia Keys, who dazzles (as usual) with “Falling.” Love that song. But then she breaks out the ode to dysfunction: “Unbreakable.” This is the dumbest song ever made. Even worse than that song by Right Said Fred. I swear, it’s like her and Usher made a bet to see who could write more idiotic lyrics. First he wrote “My Boo.” Then she upped the ante with this rubbish. Come on … OPRAH don’t even claim Stedman. You can’t put them in the same song together. LOL Booo, Alicia. Boo. Oh, and Blecch.

12:15 — Back from commercial with BET CEO Debra Lee, who’s holding a BET Award in her hand. It was then that, for an instant, I started to take back all the stuff I said about B.Brown earlier and realized that he must’ve seen the script. Then I thought, nahhhhh. He was just high. LOL

Ms. Lee presents outgoing chairman Robert Johnson with a special BET award for all that he’s done in the genres of Media and Business, and for the empire that BET has become. He comes out, accepts the award, rattles off some stuff that held no water with me after seeing his children on the big screen earlier paying tribute to their dad. His daughter needs to be shipped off to the Developmental League until further notice and clearly you can tell that he and his son aren’t that close. He was reaching trying to come up with anecdotes to tell. Just shameful. But who am I? They’re RICH, BITCH!!! And I’m just bitchin’.

CONGRATS TO MR. JOHNSON FOR ALL THAT HE’S DONE OVER THE PAST 25 YEARS. FOR HAVING THE VISION AND THE INGENUITY TO GET BET ON THE AIR! IT’S TRULY A GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENT!

End tribute. LOL

12:25 — The show, appropriately enough, ends the way it began — with an Earth, Wind, Fog and Fire performance. “The Way of the World.” Indeed.

So there you have it. 25 years of BET. We will never really know who turned down invitations and who wasn’t invited. We will never really know how petty the network is by not inviting Tavis Smiley to the event, even after all that he’s meant to their success. We’ll never really get to the bottom of why AJ and Free weren’t out there with the rest of the show hosts from the past two and half decades. We will never know why Jodeci, Al B. Sure, Heavy D., Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, Salt N Pepa, Big Daddy Kane, Jill Scott, Beyonce, et al, weren’t in attendance or at least paying tribute via video.

But when it comes down to it, it really doesn’t matter. BET is 25. Claims to be strong. I’ll have to take their word for it. Because between Sheryl Underwood screaming at me two times a week and Dame Dash spouting one of the longest and most idiotic cut-off lines in the history of TV, I have no patience for BET.

But I’ll always watch their specials. They leave me short of breath like a B.Brown performance. And THAT type of black entertainment keeps me coming back. Maybe even for another 25 years.

Happy Anniversary.