In My Write Mind

[originally posted June 2005]

For some reason, that song always reminds me of her. My one time love, my ‘woulda-coulda-shoulda’, my “if.” She could be classified as the one that got away; but then I remember that song and realize that she’s really not.

Everything that happened … did so for a reason.

That Zhane song, “For A Reason,” which I have burned on my hard drive here at work, takes me back to the summer of the year 2000 each time it plays. Subconsciously, I must’ve burned it onto my drive because it was burned onto my brain. I’ve always loved the song … just like I’ve always loved her. So when Jean and Renee belt out their heartfelt “reasonings,” I sit there, enthralled, entranced … and in the past.

Let me explain.

We met by chance … but for a reason. It was an after-work function that I didn’t plan on attending, a networking event put together by a young professionals group. I was swamped that day (just like every day) and was really too tired to meet and greet for two hours. However, the event was down here by the Seaport, and my friends expected me to attend–I actually had no real excuse since it was right down by my job–so I took the short trip to the restaurant. Got there just in time for happy hour. And the moment I met her, it turned out to be the happiest hour of my life.

Her name was Desire*. Her voice was pleasant, intriguing. She was there with her cousin, who lived in the Bronx. She was an attorney visiting from Toronto, lived there for the past few years after being brought up in Queens. Originally from the island of St. Kitt’s. Her accent was beautiful, her complexion stunning.

She had freckles that playfully danced across her nose, full lips that accompanied a smile that would make a grown man melt. We hit it off that night. I was very glad I showed up.

Can you tell?

Her trip to New York was brief. She met me for lunch the next day. I swear it was the longest lunch I’ve ever taken … and that was fine with me. We made more small talk over appetizers, discussed future plans over the main course, and by dessert, I was asking how much it cost for a trip across the border.

Later that summer, I went to visit her, my Desire. Toronto was almost as breathtaking as she was. We toured the entire city, seemingly building by building, block by block. The walks, the sharing, the lunches that turned into dinners … all made me think that this woman that I’d met by chance, but for a reason, would be in my life forever.

There was no other reason to think otherwise.

When I returned home, we spoke almost every day. This is hard to admit, but I was falling hard for this young lady, for my Desire. Several trips back and forth took place over the next few months, including her driving to Michigan to see me during one of my business trips. We were as inseparable as two could be that lived in different countries. I’d fallen … like a Mya song. For a reason … like Zhane. She was my equal, my friend, my Desire.

Our busy seasons coincided. Which led to infrequent visits and sporadic phone calls. Everything was wonderful when we did get to see one another, but those encounters were becoming too far and in between. We both got promotions; she was in court more, I was traveling more. Didn’t get to see one another.

Suddenly, Toronto seemed a world away.

I messed up. Big time. I let my job dictate my life instead of me setting the boundaries. While her caseload lessened, I foolishly took on more responsibilities, which at a non-profit is very easy to do.

This is supposed to be the part where I tell you that everything worked out for my Desire and me. The part where I say that I wised up and made the necessary adjustments to my work life so that Desire and I could fulfill our destiny.

The part where I say that love conquered all … and my reason for meeting her was to choose her and stay with her.

Well, if that were to happen now, if alllll of the things that happened for a reason then happened now … I would’ve made the right choice, the right decision. I would be with my Desire.

However, sadly, I was five years younger then, five years dumber. I let my job rule my life, not because it had to, but because I did what I always did when something was going right for me.

I panicked. And in the process, let my Desire slip through my trembling hands.

Sure, we kept in touch. But she knew I was scared … probably didn’t know the reason. Hell, neither did I. She was upset with me for a long while. We were cordial, but she just didn’t understand why something that started out so damn right, took a left turn off of a proverbial cliff. She wanted to make plans for the future … all while I was unwittingly devising an exit plan … away for her, from happiness… from my Desire.

A fool who readily — constantly even — made the wrong decisions. And when it came to life-changing decsions … would rather not make them at all. It was so much easier to bury myself in my work … it was always there. And there was always more work to do.

To think I chose that type of work over the work it would’ve taken to manifest my Desire … that I chose the easy way out, the coward’s way … still haunts me to this day.

And then I hear that song. And I remember that it was all for the best.

Five years later, five years too late, my Desire and I still keep in contact. I attended her wedding a few years back. She adopted her cousin when her mother’s sister passed away, opening up her love and her home.

Less than two years ago, we went into business together — the three of us (her, her husband and me) — putting together poetry showcases up in Toronto. They were successful. Just like all three of us are now.

It happened for a reason.

Back in February, while in Los Angeles, when I saw her on instant messenger, something just made me ask her, ask my Desire, how many months pregnant she was. We still had that connection. Shocked, and not knowing how I could possibly know, she answered, “Five.”

Symbolic. Five months pregnant, five years too late.

She’s happily married. For a reason. I’m still single. For a reason. And in less than two weeks, she will welcome a baby boy into the world. A child that she desired for so long … and followed through on, unlike me five years ago, when I let my Desire go.

I will always love her, my Desire. No one could be happier for all that she’s experiencing. Every time I hear that song, I think of her. Can’t help it. It’s burned onto my hard drive, she’s burned onto my brain.

Can’t help but think about the decisions I made. Makes me want to kick myself. Makes me realize that if it weren’t for that lesson then, five years ago, I wouldn’t be the man I am today.

These days, while the workload is still heavy, I don’t let it control my life. Recalling the mistake I made, coupled with listening to Jean and Renee sing from their hearts, makes me understand that it all happened that way for a reason. That while I was dumb, there is something, someone else wonderful in store for me … and I’ll be ready when they show themselves.

Hopefully … my being ready is within reason. Hopefully … it’s not too late.

*checking Zhane’s discography for a song with that title*

*not her real name