In My Write Mind

“Falling in love ain’t shit … somebody talk to me please about how to stay there.“–Savon Garrison, Love Jones

I was reading the lyrics to the REO Speedwagon song, “Can’t Fight This Feeling.” I’ve always liked that song. But I always thought it was a song about the loss of self-control, about emotions gone bezerk, about right versus wrong.

Boy, was I wrong.

It’s not about that at all. It’s about less and more. About being shy, but taking charge. It’s about carpe diem. Oh yes, my friends…it’s about love. You know what else?

It’s my freakin’ life story!

I’m telling you, whoever wrote this song not only walked in my shoes, they’ve had on my pants and ate my porridge, too. THAT’S how much this song fits. What’s that? Lyrics, you say? You want ‘em, you got ‘em.

Ladies and gentlemen … the tale of the tape.

I can’t fight this feeling any longer
And yet I’m still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

THIS is how most of my relationships start out. A bee-yoo-tiful friendship, where conversations flow, laughs are shared, attraction is mutual. But once feelings are caught, once that friendship has grown stronger, there’s still something (read: everything) that makes me hold back from showing the other person how I really feel. I start fighting myself. *shaking my head*

Preach, songwriter! Preach!!!

I tell myself that I can’t hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we’re together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

Yesssss! The rationalization begins hot and heavy once I get to the “caught feelings” stage. I begin to ask myself, “What am I so afraid of?” Me: Getting hurt. “Why can’t I just let go and let love?” Me again: I’ve been hurt. “I mean, I feel like ten million bucks when I’m with this person. And they’ve done nothing to hurt me. Why can’t I leave the past in the past? WTF?!?!?”

*Ahem* THIS JUST IN…YOU’VE BEEN HURT, NUCCA! THAT SHIT AIN’T EASY TO SHAKE!!! RECOGNIZE!

Seeee? My self starts yelling at me and I get shook. LOL I start to believe it, EVEN THOUGH my life has direction; EVEN THOUGH everything is soooo clear as to what I should do. It sucks, I tell ya.

It’s that fear … bitches.

YOU’RE SOUNDING LIKE A GIRL!!!

*shudder*

*whispering* Anywho, let’s move on … shall we?

And even as I wander
I’m keeping you in sight
You’re a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter’s night
And I’m getting closer than I ever thought I might

I tend to do this. Look for reasons NOT to be with the person instead of embracing the reasons to go for it.

Let me put it this way: If there was a list of 29 reasons supporting the relationship and ONE reason for it to fail, I am the muhfugga who will go see how that ONE reason is doing and ask IT out for a bite to eat. Straight up wine and dine it.

All the while eyeing the 29, KNOWING that I should be over there playing volleyball with them. *sigh* And that’s the part that is the worst. The knowing. If I was ignorant, God bless me and leave me in my bliss. But KNOWING that the best thing that’s probably happened to me in life is THISCLOSE and still finding ways to mess it up … ON PURPOSE?!?!? The pits. And the lesson … as always … I suck golf balls.

And I can’t fight this feeling anymore
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for
It’s time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

And this, my fellow Americans, is the proverbial rub.

Once I start believing in myself enough to take charge of the situation, put all the fear aside, let the cheesy excuse stand alone, start to put on the feelings like a well-fitting suit … it’s too damn late.

Yup. Once I start forgetting what I started fighting for, once I throw away those oars … I’m shipwrecked. Washed ashore. Like an episode of LOST.

So you see my plight. You see the reason why I’m single now. Me. That’s right. I’ve been the problem. All of this internal fighting has left me punch-drunk, against the ropes and on the verge of spitting out my mouthpiece.

Ready to wave the white flag inside of me and resign myself to the reality of remaining single for the rest of my life. Headed straight for a life as part of a wise-cracking muppet tandem sitting atop the theater balcony.

I.can’t.let.that.happen. The song says so!!! I can’t go out like Rocky in his first fight with Clubber Lang. Am I a fool to be pitied?!?!?

It’s time I fall in love and find out how to stay in that shit. Time for me to fight off those fears that have been pervading my soul; shake off those hurts of the past and give a new love a, err uhhh, fighting chance. Sure, women in my past have been nuttier than squirrel shit (Humanity Critic, 2005); sure some have lied and cheated and even stole.

But really, I have to ask myself … while they were lying and cheating on me, wasn’t I lying to and cheating myself since I KNEW that I wasn’t ready for them anyway?

The answer to that question will determine my future. It will help me realize whether I’m ready or not like an After 7 song, ready to recover that lost loving feeling like a Righteous Brothers ballad.

Answering that question may just get my self to shut.the.fugg.up and allow me to breathe love in (like that scented candle in the window) for a change instead of causing me to suffocate on the thought.

And I just may have to send a “thank-you” note to a friggin Speedwagon for being my smelling salts, my between-round pep talk.

Who knew?!

This song is GREAT. Hell, I might even have to go out and buy a guitar. Isn’t it funny how, if experienced at the right time, music can be a catalyst for change in your life? Isn’t it funny how when you least expect it, and in a way that you’d NEVER expect, the solutions to life-long issues become clear.

Maybe now is the time that life will pull a Chante Moore and let love take over. Maybe now is when it was meant for me to get it. Maybe, just maybe, now is the time for me to stop fighting.

I really hope so. I’m getting on in years. I can’t fight forever …