In My Write Mind

It’s all too much. Overwhelming, even.

I mean, anyone that knows me knows my vices. They repeatedly chastise me about them on this site. They go on and on about how much I’m on my Sidekick in public. LOL About how I’ve replaced L.O.V.E. with TIVO. They will bring up whenever possible how I wrote an ode to my brand new laptop.

I will agree … I’ve had it bad lately. Gadgets have taken over my world. And just when I seemingly have it under control, just when I’ve managed to keep my Sidekick away from my actual side when out for drinks the past few weeks … I get pulled back in.

This time, with this new discovery … the forces are against me. Seriously, I may never leave my house again. Yeah, it’s that bad.

So there I was, minding my business at my friend’s house party the other night, eating some of the best fish I’d ever tasted, chased by some of THE worst soda ever created (for real, what’s in Sie.rra Mist? Gasoline?!?!? This stuff is toxic! Yeesh) … and we’re listening to music. Old school. I mean Gimme-Your-Love-Give-Me-Your-Love old school. Caught-Up-In-A-One-Night-Love-Affair old school. I mean To-Be-Real old school.

I mean, jamming! And with good food and good music, everything is allllll good! Right? RIGHT?

That’s what I thought. I’d just finished my fourth plate of food, and was two seconds away from removing my shoes and unbuckling my belt. Sure, it was supposed to be a party, but hell, it’s not my fault all that food was there and it surely didn’t help that Joe replaced the quasi-disco as the music selection, with him belting out one of his 592 songs about love. Oy.

And then it happened. The hostess mercifully turned down the music, plopped down on the couch next to me and said, “I gotta show you guys something.” At this point, I had one eye open, just about ready to pass out, but not quite. She grabbed the remote, flicked the channels until it got to the On Demand section, and clicked on Oxygen On Demand.

Now, you know what I was thinking. Oh, HELLUS NOUS, we are NOT gonna be getting our “Burning Bed”-”Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”-”He Touched Me Right Here, Now He Must Die”-”Life is a Bitch … and So Is My Mom” movie of the week on. Nope. No way. Uh-uh. I think I even grunted that very sentiment when I saw her click. LOL

But it wasn’t what I thought. Nothing of what I expected. You see, what I saw next made me sit up and take notice. Made my eyes widen and snapped me out of my food semi-coma.

Did you guys know that Oxygen On Demand has … KARAOKE?!?!?!?! I mean, real live Karaoke in the comfort of your own living room/bedroom/den/kitchen! With a complete list of songs and words on-screen and all. There was drool coming out of corner of my mouth. I hadn’t been this happy since I found out that the coupon I got for half price drinks at “the spot” lasted all month long.

Y’all don’t understand … knowing this has put me in heaven! It means that I don’t have to leave my house to get my sing on. It means I don’t have to wait my turn while random freaks destroy my favorite songs at the karaoke bar. It means that at a moment’s notice, a boring night home with friends can turn into a fake-ass American Idol.

Are you with me here? Can you see the possibilities?!?!?!

Seriously, just like the folks over at Bravo (Being Bobby Brown) and VH1 (Flavor of Love), the people at Oxygen who thought this up deserve a big, fat raise. It’s a stroke of genius. Now, people can sing “Build Me Up, Buttercup” while eating bacon. Sing “I Will Survive” after a hard day at work. Pump themselves up with “Eye of the Tiger” any damn time they feel like it.

Genius, I say.

And of course, you know the minute I got home I checked to see if I had it. Yup. I do. I think a tear fell from my eye when I saw it on the screen. I will most likely never leave my house again. You might as well get Dick Gregory in speed dial with a flatbed truck and a wrecking ball to remove me when I balloon up to 817 pounds. Because between the new laptop, digital cable, the Sidekick and now, THIS!!!! I may be sequestered forever.

Why would I need to leave? Banking can be done online. So can shopping with FreshDirect. Reading the newspaper, chatting with friends, shopping for books, clothes, music, etc. All online!!! And if I want to see a movie, there’s On Demand.

Oh, wait! That’s the other thing that made me wanna kiss my screen. Did you know … that there’s a channel … on digital cable … that just shows movie trailers?!?!?!? MOVIE TRAILERS!!! ON DEMAND!!! I almost passed out with joy. LOL So far, I’ve seen the long version previews of the new X-Men movie, the new Superman joint, thirty of the forty-nine movies Terrence Howard is in this year … what more could you ask for?

With all these On Demand channels, cable television is taking over the world. No wonder movie theaters are hemorraghing financially. Nobody needs to leave their house anymore! Let them come out with a Money On Demand channel. The streets would be empty! LOL

So yeah … if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to order two six packs of Red Stripe, and pan of lasagna from my favorite Italian joint around the way, and a bucket of sunflower seeds … and just relax this weekend. Oh, yeah … and sing my heart out to Huey Lewis and the News, A-Ha!, Billy Joel and maybe even some Kenny Rogers. In stereo, even!

Karaoke on Oxygen On Demand is the best invention since apple pie. Which reminds me, I better order some of that, too. Brotha gotta have some dessert!