In My Write Mind

All righty, here we go. Another year, another BET Awards show. Another chance for us to see the network put on its pomp and circumstance, welcoming the best in music, athletics and entertainment to the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles, California.

And of course, I was there watching, riding solo this year, covering it all in what has become an annual running diary. I had to. I only watch BET a few times a year, mostly one Saturday a month around noon to see which aspiring rapper is holding court on “Freestyle Fridays.”

And then the awards show. That’s it.

Not sure what to expect as I settle in for the evening. They promised that this one will be the best one yet. We shall see. Ready? Herrrrre we go!

7:58 PM — Getting all set for the show, I make sure I have my snacks fully stocked. Carrots and ranch dressing? Check. Cliff Huxtable-sized hoagie? Check. Orange soda? Check. Six pack of Red Stripe? Check. Number to my cardiologist on speed dial? Check. OK, let’s start the show. (Aside: Before I left work today, me and my boy Rob set up fake bets for the telecast tonight, like number of hats Damon Wayans wears during the show, number of times Jesus is thanked directly after a performer finishes a performance glorifying sex and violence, number of inches Vivica Fox’s lips will equal, number of strands of hair you can see from the front on Stevie Wonder … things like that. I took the over on all of them. LOL)

8:00 — Beyonce starts the show on the right note with her new joint, “Deja Vu.” She’s got an all-girl band that she just put together for a tour she’ll be on later this summer. Lawd, they look good. There’s something about a woman playing a trumpet that makes me toot. Mercy, mercy me. Hey, there’s Jay-Z. What a shocker. I didn’t expect to see him up there with Beyonce. (removing tongue from cheek) Seriously, the two of them must be exhausted after flying cross country after Jay’s performance at sold-out Radio City Music Hall. Good to see they made it.

8:03 — Random thought: Ya know, Bey may be on to something here. Now that she’s gonna be solo for the duration, this all-girl band might be the best idea ever. She could be a REAL trendsetter if she allows her band to be the first ever to strip during the bridges of selected songs!!! This could work, I tell ya.

8:04 — The rundown of who’s in the house tonight. I chuckle when I hear the name Papoose. Somebody’s playing with me, right? LOL

8:05 — Damon Wayans comes on stage as host of this year’s festivities. How do I feel about the choice? Eh. Clearly, Michael Colyar was unavailable for the event. Sigh. OK, remember I took the over for the hats. Count this one as #1. The theme of this year’s show, according to Wayans, is “doing big black thangs.” So far, no good. His jokes are falling flatter than St.ar Jon.es’s old breasts. Just awful. Although the joke about most rappers having to have a speech impediment to be popular was kinda humorous. hehehe

8:09 — First presenters of the evening are Jimmie Walker, Bern’adette Stanis and Ralph Walker. To describe the way these three have aged would be NOT Good Times. Oy. What in da hell is THIS? It’s JANET FRIGGIN JACKSON!!!! DAYUM!!! Her body is incredible. Surgically enhanced, sure. But incredible nonetheless!!! And how much do you wanna bet that it was Janet’s idea for her to saunter across the stage to the group so people could ogle her ass? I only have one thing to say about that manuever … THANK YOU, JANET!!!! THANK YOU!!! Lawdamercy. Highlight of the night thus far. *swoon*

Oh yeah … the group was up there to present the award for BEST FEMALE HIP HOP ARTIST. The winner, Missy Elliott, who isn’t in the building. Although she could be hiding under Janet’s dress, with all the wagon she was draggin’.

8:13 — The long awaited trailer for “Dreamgirls” is aired. Seems like I may have to check this film out. If for nothing else than to come up with more jokes about Eddie Murphy. Lawd, he looks a hot mess. Jamie, Bey, Eddie — DREAMGIRLS — oh yeah, and danny, jennifer, anoki and keif, too — Christmas 2006!!!

8:15 — Our official sponsors for the evening: Pepsi, Pantene, Southwest Airlines and Madea’s Family Reunion. Out on DVD now. Sigh. Our “unofficial” sponsors are Dog Next Door Barking, Rain, Noisy Kids and Idiot Who Insists on Chopping Some Wood at 8-something on a Friggin Tuesday Night. Ahhh, good times all around.

8:16 — The first promo of the evening for BET’s new reality block, COMING JULY 12th!!! Keyshia Cole’s “The Way It Is.” Wait, did we want to know the way it is with Keyshia? What’s next, Cole from Martin’s new reality show, “The Way It Was?”

8:17 — The next performance of the night is none other than T.I. He’s introduced by boxing promoter Don King. I was wondering what his role was gonna be when I saw him in the opening rundown. Great. T.I., the supposed “king of the souf” does his hit “What You Know,” complete with orchestra. The strings made the song drag. Not a great performance by the kang. I was underwhelmed. Oh, but another thing to mention is that this year, BET has added a pit to the stage, where “real fans” can interact with the performers as they do their thing. This could turn out to be a disaster. Mark my words.

8:23 — The next presenters? Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg. Thankfully, neither are performing tonight. They get to chill and present the BEST NEW ARTIST award. OK. Here’s the nominees for the category. Tell me who YOU think is gonna win tonight. Chris Brown, Chamillionaire, Ne-Yo, Rihanna and Paul Wall. Sigh. I haven’t seen results so rigged since the 2000 elections. Dude, anyone with a hanging chad for a brain would tell you that Chris Brown had this locked up. What.a.farce. Moving on …

8:28 — Ahhh, a Pepsi commerical where a group of breakdancers come together on some old Transformer shit, forming the hugest breakdancer ever. And then they’re challenged by a group of breakdancers that come to the competition drinking Pepsi. Their BreakFormer casts a shadow over the other one … although we never get to see it. That’s how the commercial ends. There must be a continuation, right? RIGHT?!?!?

8:30 — The underwhelming trailer for the film “Miami Vice” airs. I predict that this piece of crap movie will be in the sale bin next to the TV series’ first season by September. That is all. *yawn*

8:31 — Is anyone else as excited as I am for this new DMX reality show?!?!? This has the potential to fill the void that a Whitney-less Being Bobby Brown season would give us. Personally, seeing X on the loose has hit written all over it. I’m setting my DVR now!

8:32 — Kanye West introduces a performance by Jamie Foxx. Sigh. See, here’s the thing. Jamie performs best when he’s sitting behind the piano singing the draws off of the ladies. When he moves around on stage, he loses the effect. He’s not as go — OH MY DAMN!!! Is that Fantasia stuffed inside of that dress?!?!? Is this the YEAR OF THE ASS or what?!?!? Seriously, first Beyonce, then Janet and now this?!?!?!? Either these backsides are incredible … or I’m just incredibly and pathetically horny. I.need.sex. Sigh.

As for Fantasia, would anyone be against scrapping the Keyshia Cole show and giving it to ‘Tasia instead?!?!? Can you imagine the possibilities of this?!?! This week on “Fantasia: Da Whey It Iz,” ‘Tasia and her daughter get ice cream … and go over their “Hooked on Phonics” cue cards. Together. LOL I’d watch that.

Oh, and yes … Fantasia and Jamie did kiss on the lips. But you probably knew that already since we all saw the rehearsal photos on the innanets since Monday. Blah.

8:37 — Nick Cannon and Kat Williams (”Wild N Out”) present the award for MALE ATHLETE OF THE YEAR, but not before attempting a horrible comedy bit. The winner was LeBron James. Congrats to Bronnie. And now, in the vein of Nick n’ Kat, here are the Top 3 Reasons Comedy Bits Should Never Be Attempted During Awards Shows:

3. It’s hard to hear yourself, let alone your comedy partner, which means that your timing will be extremely OFF.
2. The bits are NEVER, EVER as funny as they seem in rehearsal. NEVER. EVER.
1. The audience could care less.

That is all.

8:43 — HOLY CRAP!!! I’m setting BOTH DVRs for this X show. This is gonna be a mix of BBB, for sure, and The Simple Life, tooooo. It’s getting better by the promo. I’m hooked!

8:44 — Damon introduces BET poster child, Chris Brown, who starts off with “Run It,” then segues into “Gimme That” and finally into “Yo (Excuse Me Miss).” Chris interacts with the Pit People, who, at this point are starting to look like they’re stuck. LOL Not.a.good.look. Da hell? Were Lil Wayne’s pants all the way down? Horrible. But as far as Chris is concerned, he’s the truth. Props to him. And you KNOW BET is touting the kid … they gave him almost ten minutes to perform.

8:51 — Mo’Nique and Rihanna present the award for BEST MALE R&B ARTIST. Shockingly, it’s Prince, thus ruining the perfect set up for Chris to come running back out just after performing and giving a rambling acceptance speech. BET, dammit. Always missing out on opportunities for entertaining television. Instead, we have Prince, who CLEARLY didn’t think he was gonna win, giving thanks to Chaka Khan and India.Arie?!?!? (I swear I think BET gave this award to him because they thought he’d probably walk off the set if they didn’t. LOL I could be wrong.)

8:58 — Who do I have to sleep with to get this Fantasia show on the air? Debra Lee? Donnie Simpson? Somebody tell me something. I can’t take a full season of Keyshia’s homegirls “keeping it real.” Seriously, I may be on suicide watch.

8:59 — Ladies and gentlemen, Mary J. Blige. “Be Without You,” her hit single from “The Breakthrough.” Damn, even Mary has some backside tonight. I’m loving “tight suit Mary.” She’s about to “break through” that suit. Ya know what I’m sayin? Ya know what I mean?!?!? (It’s official. I need sex soon.)

Oh dear. Another horrible singing job by MJB. I mean, I know she brings energy to the stage and all, but for real, we may be officially entering the “let’s have Mary lip sync certain songs” portion of her career. Those riffs during “Be” were horrid. And I don’t care how many times I hear it, I’m never gonna be ready for Mary rapping. Never.

Uh oh, it may be time for some action to be taken. Mary thinks the Pit People are high-fiving her. Hellus Nous. Those fools are asking her to help them outta there. It’s packed up in that piece. They’re one bloated stomach away from suffocating.

9:06 — Presenters Thandie Newton and Larenz Tate are up to give the award for BEST MALE HIP HOP ARTIST. The winner? T.I., who goes on to spout some hatred to the crowd. When exactly did “the kang” become an asshole? Just wondering.

9:11 — Dude, this is no coincidence. They played a commercial for X’s show exactly at 9:11?!??!?! I don’t know about you, but I’m taking that as a sign and will commence to dialing 9 and 1 when the show airs … with my finger directly over the 1, ready to hit Send!!! This is a car crash waiting to happen. Gotta love it.

9:12 — At this point, I think Damon is earning enough demerits to go down as “worst host ever.” Even the failed Steve/Ced experiment during the first two shows weren’t as bad as this. Damon couldn’t be more out of touch. Or into the hooch. That’s it! If he’s not even gonna try, then why should I? In fact, I’m gonna make a game out it, taking swigs of Red Stripe every time Damon messes something up. Hmmph. He’s here now to introduce performer Keyshia Cole, who yodels her hit song, “Love.” Don’t get me wrong. I love her … breasts. LOL That’s about it.

Oh, and I’m starting to hate the Pit People. This one dude just made sure the camera was on him before he started grooving to Keyshia’s song. Punk.

9:14 — Noooooo. Keyshia’s running out of gas. Where’s Fantasia and those ham hocks when we need her for a distraction? I should’ve taken the under that she wouldn’t make it through after all that yodeling. Dammit. Wait, since she’s messing up, too … maybe my drinking game should extend to her. (Can you tell that I’m just looking for excuses to drink at this point?) Seriously, though … she needs an S.O.S. Oh wait, that’s Rihanna’s song. Never mind.

9:17 — Diddy’s there doing dumb, dumb Diddy things. I need another beer. Perfect time to go to the frid– Wait. They just panned the crowd. What’s that thing on India.Arie’s forehead? A swirl? Da hell? Can someone please go examine that before it spreads?!?!? Is the Hair Club president on-call?!?!?

Diddy introduces Yung Joc. I don’t hate him. Yet. Aww, they just showed Bow Wow in a suit. Guess he’s practicing for when he finally snaps and murders Lil Romeo and has to go on trial. Good stuff.

9:21 — BEST FEMALE R&B ARTIST: Mary J. Blige, who actually says with conviction about her husband, “I wouldn’t be nothing without him.” Which means that she would be something. Everything, even. Quote of the night. Hands down.

9:24 — There are awards that were given out before the telecast. That’s always the part of the show where you go, Awwww, too bad these weren’t important enough to make it on TV. LOL BEST ACTOR: Terrance Howard. BEST GROUP: (shudder) The Black Eyed Peas. BEST ACTRESS: Taraji P. Henson. BEST FEMALE ATHLETE: Venus Williams.

9:28 — Random thought: After that performance where she turned blue and needed oxygen, one of Keyshia’s episodes better involve her taking breathing classes or else I’m not watching. Period.

9:29 — Drunk Damon (one of the lost Cosby Kids, apparently) introduces a performance by Busta Rhymes. Dude, he’s messing up so much, I’m damn near to’ up my damn self. Need.water. STAT. Busta starts off with the song, “I Love My Chick” with Will.i.am and Kelis. Random thoughts during the performance: *Ummmm, be vewwy vewwy quiet. Some small farm animal died on top of Kelis’s head. Let’s hunt it. LOL

The “Touch It Remix” with e’rybody. Coooool. Busta, Mary, Rah Digga, Missy, Lloyd Banks, Papoose (chuckle) and Eminem. More randomness: *Damn, fugg whatcha heard. Mr. Rhymes is huge. It’s about to be Busta Seam if he keeps moving around so much. LOL *Lawd, I MUST be horny. That dress Rah Digga is wearing is doin’ some thangs to me. Oy. *Wait, is DMX in jail or on house arrest? Why wasn’t he there to perform? I GOTTA watch that show. *Wasn’t Missy AWOL earlier? Was her plane late? Was she protesting the award? These are the kinds of things that should run on a crawl on the bottom of the screen. Wait til I run a television station. *Adding Em was a nice touch for the end. Cool.

Easily the best performance of the night!!! Go Bussa Bus!

9:36 — The Wayans Brothers (Keenen, Shawn and Marlon) present the award for BEST DUET/COLLABORATION. The winner was clear cut. Kanye West and Jamie Foxx for “Gold Digger.” Cool.

9:41 — A trailer for a movie called “Snakes on a Plane.” No words. Except shame on them for releasing this garbage during my birthday weekend. Boo.

9:44 — Vivica Fox and David Banner get up and start speaking about Katrina, giving BET props for the September telethon that raised over $14 million. Vivica goes crazy, looking like she was trying to get a soul clap going. LOL They introduce a performance by Mary Mary, who sing the soon-to-be-classic “Yesterday.” I love them. They were very nice to me when I met them in LA a few years back. Their voices are incredible. And “mop wig” notwithstanding, they seem to get better looking each time I see them. Go Mary! Oh, and umm, Mary, too.

9:50 — It’s official. Worst.host.ever. Here comes Jagged Edge, who present the award for BEST GOSPEL ARTIST. The winner is Kirk Franklin. Congrats.

9:57 — Steve Harvey, as he so often does, comes up to present the 2006 BET Lifetime Achievement Award to Ms. Chaka Khan. Lawd, this woman was damn sexy when she was younger. Four decades and eight Grammy’s later, she’s still a pretty woman. But not “sexy” by any means. For her tribute, get this: Stevie Wonder of keyboard, Prince on guitar and Yolanda Adams leading off with her hit “Sweet Thing.” Awesome. Next up in India.Arie-cently got an infection on my forehead, singing “Tell Me Something Good.” Very well done. Here’s a random question as they perform: Why hasn’t Stevie just gone completely bald yet? Why is ole boy grasping onto those braids when clearly they’ve done nothing but pulled his hairline into a Mary Mary song (yeah, meaning yesterday … lol)?!?!?!?

Now, here comes Chaka singing “Through the Fire,” one of my favorite songs by her. She then goes into “I Feel For You,” and the Pit People are getting restless. Chaka looks like she snorted something when she went backstage to change. I’d pay ANYTHING to see her just haul off and dive into the pit. ANYTHING, I say. I need to produce awards shows. And while we’re here, da hell is Chaka packing back there?!?!? Is that a fanny pack … or is her fanny just packed like THAT?!??! Good LAWD!

10:22 — Debra Lee, BET Networks Chair and CEO, introduces the montage for HUMANITARIAN OF THE YEAR recipient, Harry Belafonte. Danny Glover follows and presents the award. What Harry said up there on stage deserves its own post. So poignant. So on point. So pointed. He’s a man among men. One of the best.

10:33 — … followed by one of the worst. LOL Kidding. Ne-Yo performs his hits, starting off with “Sexy Love,” and then “So Sick.” Question: When exactly (I need time and place) did wearing chains on pants become OK? Was it a fad gone bad?!?!? Can somebody help me with this? Anybody?

10:40 — Tigger, Julissa and Ultimate Fan Winner David Ashley out of Indy present the VIEWER’S CHOICE award. The winner? Who else? Chris Brown.

10:45 — OK, something I just paid attention to regarding X’s show. There are horses prominently involved, which clearly means that soon after it airs, the Apocalypse will fast approach. Can you really stay away from good times like that? LOL

10:48 — OutKast is up to present the award for VIDEO OF THE YEAR. And, in true confusing, bootleg BET fashion … there’s a tie. Yes, a tie. Sigh. “Be Without You” by Mary J. and “Gold Digger” by Kanye West. Good times.

10:58 — Prince closes the show with a performance of his single, “3121.” Appropriately.

It was an uneven show. Busta was great, as was the tribute to Chaka and the words of Mr. Belafonte. T.I. was horrible, Diddy was a mess and Damon was deplorable. There were soul claps, bad skits, surprising wins, superstar band members, real kisses … and more ass than you could shake a stick at. A memorable evening, indeed.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to understand it all. I mean, after all, they touted it as being “all in the stars.” So as I head to bed, I will remind myself to pick up an astrology book as well as a Mary-to-English dictionary … and try to figure it all out tomorrow.

Leave it to BET. Sigh.